The abusive partner exhibits aggressive, belittling or violent behaviors intended to show the victim who is in control.
After performing acts of abuse, the abuser feels guilt. This feeling of guilt is not caused by what has been done or said, but rather due to the potential consequences of being exposed as an abuser.
The abuser rationalizes their actions and behavior and may come up with multiple excuses for their actions. The abuser avoids taking responsibility for their actions.
The abuser does everything they can to maintain the abused in the relationship and maintain control. They may act as if nothing has happened and can be quiet charming during this 'honeymoon phase". This may in turn give the abused a false sense of hope that the abuser has changed their ways.
The abuser begins to fantasize about further abuse and spends many hours thinking about what the abused has done wrong and how they will pay for their wrong doings. A plan is then made to turn the fantasy of abuse into a reality.
The abuser then puts his plan into motion and creates a situation where in acts of abuse are " justifiable".
- Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
- Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
- Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
- Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
- Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
- Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.